Observations and Bitchings of a Ramblin man

Thank you sincerely to everyone. The times I want to break down the hardest aren't the unfair moments, or the cruel moments. Or the shittiness or fate. Rather the selfless pure kindness and I witness it in sincere glimpses especially in these last 24 hours. The smiles and the reassurance just kill me sometimes and soften the heart too much. But all blubbery aside I need to be focused. I need to resolve this and if i mobilize myself I won't have time to 'die of shame' as Anthony Hopkins would say. 3 months to day from when my girlfriend wiped her tears on the cold sleeve of my shirt and I headed a 16 foot caravan to Georgia. Abouth a month ago this split would have cut so much deeper. But i feel as though I've made sincere friends that resonate so much deeper and more meaningful than the shit that has been poured on my life recently. I'm not asking for pity but i must seem pitiful. I want to be admired in this the darkest hour. I need resolve. I've been fired or let go from more jobs than I've left consciously. I've been dumped in every relationship with a girl. Sometimes 'I' need to know when to fold 'em. I told the fellas that Georgia has become my beautfiul mistake. But I'm used to the quirky judgement lapses. Thank Christ I can laugh at myself. If i took myself seriously I would have no faith in myself. But so many people have took it upon themselves to come up and reassure me saying that my voice and maybe even my personality has the potential to go in the least bit forward that the least I can do is attempt to prove those people right. At my heart I think I am a loser, my decisions calculated coldly out of safety but this once I tried really hard to make something, to prove something. I cannot let fate decide my role for me and I can't lay down and die. I used to love my pick-up football games when I was little, everyones idea of fairness was sticking the tall guy with an alright arm against the two fastest kids in the neighborhood. We almost never won, but then again we almost never quit. That's just about the only metaphor I can think of right now to illustrate my scrappiness. I'm glad I didn't let them see me cry.

So I've turned into a internet slut. Mind you it's harmless online flirting and surely nothing will come of it, but to my Squad brethen I invite you to scope Bridget and Amanda on myspace and facebook respectively. It's juvenile, aimless and silly but strangely fulfillinf and affirming. Ah well, i welcome your instant judgements. Tonight will be a nice respite from a stressful last week, great music with the Circa Survive. The Z-ball bailing so it looks like a show for two but if we're lucky Paul we'll run into Amanda and her pals (yah right). I think there's something, perhaps along the lines of biological timings, that coincide with summer romance. This sounds totally effeminite but my heartstrings and passions blossom in the summer, and on a strange side note, I've had a different chica each summer. But oh well, I'm fairly sure this well will be dry this year although many deep rock trucks will pass by teasingly. I'm looking forward to a late Saturday night, bowling with many ladies, and then a nice Sunday pokah cool down. And i need to wash my freakin' car too badly. I think that'll be tomorrow. last night was neuy-beuno. I didn't even attend the hot body competition. He never previously mentioned my attendence, and after he told me i was being passed over to headline the thing, I've detested thinking about the thing, sure chicks in bikinis are nice, but that's lamesauce. So I turned my phone off and tried to get lost in other things. Haven't seen him so far so I've dodged the bullet, for now. Stuck in a good book, set around WW1 and the depression about two boys whose lives tragically intersect called Kane and Abel by Jefferey Archer. I'm on this classics binge and this is a good one. Talked briefly with Adrienne last night and I was saddened to hear her relatives are stuck in Lebanon which now is pretty much at war with Isreal, they're sending in ground troops folks this isn't random insurgence, this is a full assault campaign, the fucking airport is blown up. Her grandmother stranded there, tragic. We as americans hide behind that viel of security and primetime programming, we can just turn off the television if we get too disgusted, others aren't afforded the same opportunity. And lastly, Nicole, actually had a good conversation with her last night, one that wasn't drug down with the weight of inconsequence and things we can't change, she seems happy to have family in town and maybe even happy to be reunited with me. I wish i knew what the next page of the story was, but I'm pretty helpless to her, she'll get any and everything she wants from me, i just hope i don't regret that later. I wish I could have had the chance to be something to her, instead of a dream. I was never tangible, just a voice in a phone, a picture on film, and words on a computer screen. I never held her enough. Well this sap story has taken a decisive turn, I'm going to tap out. Thanks for the read my loyal bones. best

Wow, work has really got me frustrated this last week. Today's experiment was to listen to another radio station, our big paradigm booming from Atlanta, for two hours, to learn how to cater my style, i think in the hopes of learning how to mold my delivery to something sonically pleasing to my female audience. Or something. Well, here are a few of my observations. The dude I was supposed to emulate, is this guy named Tripp West, a 30 something guy, who talks conversationally, and I can tell all of it is improv, but when he's not racing at 99mph here's dropping um's and uh's and directionless when reading promos, hell, he even got lost deadpan in the middle of one not knowing when a concert was. And Calvin thinks I sound like college radio? My show didn't sound good yesterday and fuck if my morning aircheck didn't prove it. I"m so uninspired by the format we use, it's music first, personality later, and that's fine, but it leaves little room for personal opinions, showprep or any other of the colorful things that redeem this otherwise very slow job. The times I do showprep I'm yelled at for taking to long. I know i have challenges and I need to confront these head on, but I think I am (if not the best on this station) in the top 2. My voice is real without sounding pretentious and rich and lush when it has to be. I am adaptable, but I don't want to be the micro-machine man. Well, after the experiment is over, I'm convinced that in addittion to our station having better music, me being better already than this yahoo in Atlanta making thrice my salary for sure, that my boss can't even hear me out. The last thing he said as he walked out the door was now apply what you've learned. Apply what? I know I have plenty to learn and grow with but this is an ulcer. Oh well, i'm glad he pushes me to be better, I just wish he had methods that didn't offend me or take layers of skin off. I'm an approachable guy, don't insult, raise your voice, curl your brow, we're on the same time Donovan McNabb, you don't have to like me to throw me the out pattern, just do it. I'm no longer the host of the hot body competition, which my biggest regret is the lost money, but what makes me sick to my stomach is that I would all in that he's going to ask me to help him, when the gig was supposedly mine. He wants the money, I don't care what he tells me, and i'm just the schmuck to help him. Turn the other cheek Jason, it's hard. Ah well, Ana invited me to a country concert, which I'll go to as long as few other guys do. I hope Paul still comes to Circa Survive otherwise that'll be a solitary visage. I broke my PS2 controller in a rage yesterday when the stupid buttons got locked up, typical Bone outlashing. slept for 12 hours yesterday. Called my apartment manager (who is devilishly hot by the way) to wish her a happy 26th, i found her name in our list of station birthdays, she must be a email list member. If only she didn't have a kid and a large black boyfriend. I look like shit today, tye-dyed glasses, not giving a flying... Ah well, video games and maybe a call from Adrienne tonight to cool the fires. I seem burnt out. A chick on facebook wrote back and said some nice things, that was cool, but I'm sure making something of nothing, i wrote her a huge reply back, prolly unwelcome. Ah well. snootchie bootches yall.

My sleep schedule has fallen back into the anomaly that it used to be, taking more periodic naps than extended sleep, but I figure it's a healthy trade considering my new social network. Last night was Tim Reynolds, and the Squad was almost at full strength. Again we needed a refuel pit stop and Zach wanted to have it his way so he went to B.K. and we were off. Let it be said that the car conversation was solid as we touched on everything from bizarre sexual inclinations, Victoria's dementia, and ho's past. The directions were a little odd, missing a turn we magically just showed up at the place. The venue was a little smaller than the synopsis indicated online but the small intimate room was very cozy, open enough to breathe and hushed tones and candlelight, i guess Travis never saw the eye i was giving him, sigh. Holy hell i'm kidding, anyways it was cool. I stayed true to my straight creed and didn't cave for a beer yet yeilding to by a round even though the T-Pain was done after his failed mixed drink experiment. Lefty Williams was the opener, and I was always familiar with his name, but never knew that he got it because he has but one hand, the left one, his right stub was fastened to a guitar pick and he played guitar magnificently all things considered, making me feel rather untalented that i clumsily make clutter with two. The guys were sold and feeling his electric blues vibe, soaring on funk numbers, songs about stupid girls, and covers by Herbie hancock and Jimi. After some mailing list fluzy tried to pick us up, which i was prolly impolitely nonreceptive to, Tim Reynolds took the solo stage with no backing musicians. Tim is more of an acquired taste and I was saddened that the boys didn't take a likening to him, but hell diferent strokes for different folks. I realized that it perhaps was a good thing that we got blown off by Ana. It would have made for a strange scene for such a sweet country girl trying to enjoy an amputee and then Tim (still here excuse= her friend threw her back out= was a fucking load, that makes the list of all time great excuses) Anyways, Tim. Mr.Reynolds has a wierd accent and speaks in a hurried whisper so if you're not in the first two rows or next to a speaker you might miss his very bizarre odd sense of humor, but it was worth a chuckle or too. As most folk musicians go (Travis would point out rather solidly later that country musicians own the other end of the spectrum) Tim had a pretty negative view of the war, big government, and our neglect of 'mother earth.' But once you got past his rhetoric and sometimes badgering perception of political propoganda he was a serviceable stunning guitar player. He had some excellent, yet simple chord progressions and I enjoyed his faster work, before he just gave up and sporadically went crazy on the fretboard. You can tell the audience didn't consist of many guitar players because they went crazy for single bended notes and fast cacophony, where I was feeling more the interesting full-barred chords and minor scale progressions up and down the fret board. When he wasn't making ambient sound or 'screaming in the 4th dimension', he was great. I was zoning out there for a while, getting lost in the melodies ( i dug the vocal-less instrumentals better) thinking of her and what could have been. The guys painfully tolerated the rest of the 2 1/2 hour set, which did include some highlights, including Sam and Dave and other covers, Stream and No and Go. I was silented annoyed by certain faux paus of the audience, but i imagine in a bar setting that's what your bound to encounter. For instance, for about the first solid 45 minutes, the white noise of background conversation and drunken laughter was so high it was competing with Tim, and especially in a solo acoustic performance that blows, furthermore later on, one hella drunk guy would scream out non-words or just his name during the middle of songs and solos, which was cool the first 3 or 4 times. Sometimes your transmitted out of your place and sometimes not. Still, I made hungy Travis suffer and we headed out home not making it back until 2:30 in the morning, but really the only one that suffered there (a.k.a. having to wake up early) was me, and I had taken a nap earlier. Today at work, we've got new technology that we're implimenting, or resuming I should say as it waS INTENDED, but i'm making rookie mistakes assimilating. ah well, i don't know what's in store for tonight, but we'll see. I need to clean the apartment up for sure, my fridge has a bizarre water leak, and i noticed my first cockroach earlier this week, and to top it all off I called my poor mom to ease my mind about my discolored nasty ankle and it only made her worry. i should have been more mindful, but i wasn't even thinking. Now we both got the blues. Ah well, till the next episode

Y'know, looking back I have to admit that these last two weeks have been sOOOOO busy, i haven't really had adequate time to get bored, get lonely, or get lost which all are very good things. It looks as though the power rangers have just added the Red Ranger (a.k.a. the Bone) which is radness. My new found friends are to a T the kind of people i want and need in my life, drug-free, brillant, opinionated, good humored, kind, cool, and outgoing. I really am blessed that perhaps they feel the same. I wasted a lot of heartache and time trying to convince a lonely girl who I was, that i had merit and integrity, and that I wanted the best for everybody. It's really sad that that precise message was received effortlessly by these fellows that were basically strangers this time last week. I'm finally the most prepared and mobile to move away from the pain and the unfulfilled promises and dreams with Jen. i know that we aren't what each other needs, and that while i spent all that time loving her and silently appreciating her company, she was filled with discontent, disappointment, and anger. At some point you get tired of proving yourself, i'd like to think she has a condition instead. my only real promising hope, Nicole, seems to have shown me the door, claiming her cell phone was inundated/ drowned in water and useless, a clever scheme to keep a calling hopeful ex from ruining a blossoming happy carefree situation. That's fine, i have no hard feelings, i wanted to just know if there was anything residually left in her heart and I think she's too forward thinking for the past, a shame because I do miss her and what we could have had. So maybe i'm going to acquire some bowling skill over the coming weekends, as last friday was my first time bowling in a handful of years. it seems to be the rage with the other members of the Quad Squad so I'm game, they were kind enough to humor my poker fasciantion, maybe my addiction will wear off on 'em, i love that game. If they're hopeful enough I'll even share Stratego even though that's more of a 2 person show down. Zach seems like a good pool player so I even have hope there. I hope some members of the QS will accompany me to some live football games this fall, i think i got Travis going next week to this great folk-blues acoustic guitarist Tim Reynolds on Thursday. it'll be a trip, great guitarist, what looks like a very cool bar in Atlanta, and the show doesn't even open the doors until 9p with a 10 start time! I wonder if i'll be able to contain my sobriety, it's brought me much self-respect since my vow a few weeks back. I worry about victoria, my coworker. She befriended me first among many others, and now i feel like i'm mooching off her friends, i mean, i'm pretty sure that's what she's thinking, but I've consistently made time for her, to listen to her concerns and questions, and made plans on weekends that have often fallen through. I dunno if i can make myself feel guilty on this, Cool people will just naturally be fond of other cool people, I think there a birds and bees song in there but i'm not pollinating T-bag dammit. Today, I'm can tell i'm going to be stuck at work for a while, my cowrker being graced with many a promo. I did a nice guy thing by telling him he could take his time back to the station, and I think this is where kindness gets taken advantage of. I didn't get to pay my rent today which bothered me, y'see I'm an anal retentive Virgo who likes things very orderely and by the schedule, and I almost always demand receipts for my paid rent to alleviate any disputes (which there never have been but i digress). I want to say that I'd like to offer my support to Paul because I realize how painful a break-up can be, but he seems coldly mature and very robotically fine with the whole ordeal. I'm floored, i was a dribbling mess, but I've always admired his very clear and logical approach to relationships, honesty and people, most people have distorted perceptions of those things but not him. Like it or not, we shouldn't change people into what would be best for us, we should help them be the best person they are and unconditionally (only in honest relationships) respect and love the people that mean the most to us. my Jen wanted somebody i wasn't, and didn't know even who i was, because if she did she never would have doubted, never would have shouted and never would have questioned my heart. I know i need work on my clarity, but the people who know me know my committed approach to unapologetic honesty and how i put relationships before the individual problems. That's what you get when you're 24 and you date a 19 year old. She helped me a lot, taught me so much about myself and while she can choose to look back in anger, I have nothing but smiles and good memories outside the misery we created for each other. One of my favorite books is Crime and Punishment, because it gives the first person perspective of a murderer and his motives and explanations, it's dark without being ridiculous or contrived. They made some high school 90's remake with this hottie a while back called Crime and Punsihment in Suburbia. One of my favorite closing lines,"... what a strange path it took to find my heart."

here's another fitting for tonight, but i doubt any of my readers will know it: "..yah, but that creep can roll man."

The clouds were so dark and ominous yesterday as I folded laundry in the little laundromat yesterday. Like one of those old Texas storms I remember that would encompass the entire sky and the clouds looked so dark of purple they were almost black, it was hell embodied. The storm was fine really, lots of rain and some thunder, but it looked mean. Bear with me. I dreamt about her last night... again. This time it was surreal. Ever had a dream where you 'know' that you're dreaming and you can control it? Those kinds of dreams are rocking when you can fly and have superpowers or just kick some guys ass, but in this one we were just in some odd room, hotel or living room of sorts. I knew that she wasn't going to be there when i woke up (shit man this is a scene out of braveheart only minus a kilt and bad accent), I was so scared and sad to leave her but i didn't want dream Jen to see that, so I said sweet nothings and kissed her more meaningfully (no that's not a word) than i ever did when we were together. She seemed pleased but not really affected by it. In hindsight I think she was such a lonely girl, that I never really meant anything, it was more a case of her running from lonliness and me convienetly inviting her into my life, my apartment, my bed, my heart. God, she's done things I can never forgive and I know that if we were together there would be misery, I would complain about something anything everything she does and she would still be calling me neglectful and uncaring. i know it doesn't make sense, but i do a great job not thinking (a lot anyways) about her during the day and then my unconscious dreams of her, what a jip. Anyways, you need to buy any and everything from Tom Waits, i'm finally developing a taste and quite a preference for his soft raspy technically unsound but poetically brillant music. tonight and tomorrow will kick ass, if i'm lucky these pool plans won't fall through, like the last couple have, and I'll see a great new bar even though I've stopped drinking. Hell, if I start mopping too bad, maybe i can invite everybody back for poker at my place free game something, because I'm getting itches for that too. I have lots of expectations for tomorrow and plan on having a phenomenal time. I want that sunburn tan, i want shallow half naked eye-candy, i want to discover some new band i don't know about, I want From Autumn to Ashes, As Cities Burn and Silverstein to rock the house, I want to bond with some new friends, and above all else I don't want to think or mention her name. I've tried to replace her in my heart with Nicole, but Nicole doesn't have the time requirements or the effort to match all of my free time lonliness. I'm fairly assured the guy who shares her bed isn't just her roommate, I mean how naive do you take me for? But i have stupid fingers crossed. An old friend got fired on his last day of work (that blows) and then had a simliar showdown with my old radio boss, my heart goes out to him, but aside from writing off his last days there in laziness, he had a bad attitude for a long time. i don't think he deserved his cruelty but he must have seen it coming. I have such huge plans for my trip back to Colorado, I hope i haven't overbooked, it seems like a few people might be passed over, but i hope i can see everybody. So I found out this morning, that one of Calvin's promises is coming true: the hot body competition. With me as the host? You guessed it, and i'm little insecure with my presence and announcer hot shot wise cracking on point image, because I'm going to have to be the creepy insulting image of this summer long contest featuring guys (ugh) and girls spray tanned in bikinis (well hopefully not the guys). The eye candy will be great and maybe i can even hook up with someone (yah right), but i have too many doubts, i wish i could be confident and assured with this. It'll be odd because it's every Thursday at Chasen's and I'll have to miss the second one so i don't know if I'll watch him do the first two, if I'll do the first and return for the third or if he'll scoop up the money to be made from it all to himself. Cal's on vacation so all answers will be addressed when he returns I suppose. It'll be nice to harass Mike again on Sunday, i missed his insight, he calms the fire like few others and always knows what to say. Y'know you have to say that it's ironic, because I remember a time where I had three jobs and a full load at school, and i rarely found time to call this certain girl and now she seems to be affording me the same treatment. I think about Nicole endlessly and want to hear her breath, say anything, laugh, be herself, tell me she misses me, all that crap about me being special, bla bla bka. I'll stop the self-deprecating train here. Can't wait to tell you all about all things warped on a later day. To close with the most overused citation in yearbooks, hope you're having a great summer. Later gators

I slept alot last night, bailed out of running the door at Angie Aparo exhausted and burnt out from the last couple of nights. haven't had my healthy video game dosage but it's good to get aired out, and i don't think about her, only when I start my days at work. last night was not nearly as bad as i was fearing, my boss was polite and helpful and his promotion went off, selling out and drawing in plenty of foxin chicas, yes I have the eye-wandering disease afflicting males the most. I was the doorman, acting intimidating and posing next to one of Calvin's hottie friends, jessica, who seemed flirtatious but i don't think she's easy. I even drove the really good guitarist for josh Graeff to the local flash foods to grab some 9 volts for the Hendrix he would wail on later in the night. I was hoping for a phone call from somebody last night, a certain girl in mind, but instead just got one from the stoner who works here prolly wanting to give me a hard time about an early bedtime. Tonight should be fun, pool with Dan Chapelle, and then bowling with the Tripod. It was cool to support Victoria and the promotions team at the mall yesterday, even though I was completely useless. It was a good excuse to fraternize with the interns (that's unethical mind you and i know) and also I needed (a poor word choice I know) to pick up some new music and treated myself to too much Quiznos, i love that place. I mentioned before which cd's i found, and i bought the warped twisted dark indie flick 11:14 and also a light button up shirt to soak up the sweat for Wednesday. I don't know the tripod's music taste but i wager that the warped Tour is not it, (if i had to guess it would be Zach-country, Paul-Radiohead, and Travis- Bruce Springsteen/Hootie) so I fret the fact that I want to be there as they open bright and early at 10 and I would bet they roll in later if not much. I wanted to ride with the guys but who cares right? Maybe i can trick one of them into rolling with me to tim Reynolds in Atlanta in July. Fish wants to play basketball on Saturday but I'm unsure when I would squeeze that in. Sunday looks hugely lazy and I'm going to clean house to take the place of my main man Mike's phone call. I was online searching for cool 'old' flicks, which I don't know if anybody does. I know i have to refind A Life Less Ordinary, but Mike has turned me on to Kurosawa with flicks like Stray Dog, the hidden fortress and Madadayo on the list from this vintage Japanese Spielberg, John Hughes wrote this dark movie in the late 90's called reach the rock (yes i watched Breakfast club reruns and refell in love) and finally paul Anderson (one of my favorite filmakers) wrote an underground flick called Cigarettes and Coffee about strangers that meet in a coffee shop (not to be confused with the black and white flick Coffee and Cigarettes which features a hilarious scene from Bill Murray talking to RZA from the Wu-tang). I want to be happy so bad. I hope that makes it so, but the yearning sometimes distorts the goal. Fuck Counting Crows, i'm getting sentimental, i'll stop the pity parade and say best wishes homies. Here's to the future.

It's funny how we seek to affirm ourselves based on feelings of self-worth, whereas our self-worth is valued almost exclusively on the quantity and quality of people in our life. Shouldn't the exceptional person stand alone and have their merit based on the, if i may be so plagiristic, content of their character? Lonliness is unsurmountable, like hunger or time, you can distract or temporarily alleviate the status but never the condition. I'm focusing so hard on not 'needing' anyone, but i ponder if i'm just fooling myself. Well, to right the ship sharply I had plenty of smiles and kind words to sift through yesterday to my blessings. I felt sort of guilty because I think another one of the midday djs who is a musician here seemed to assume that my employment history (record label gig) might lead to a record deal for her. I tried to be as political and clear about my 'influence.' Still i could tell she was reading between the lines and resentful? if not dissapointed. There's a new sales chick that just got hired and i'm trying to strain my eyes to see if that's a wedding ring on her finger, pesky eyes, she seems outta my league though. I tried to slide sideways into a concert proposal to April, but the mixed signals continue and I think got blown off again. So I strain to smile and I'm doing all right, whenever i don't check my ex's myspace, christ I'm a 13 year old girl and need to grow up. I think i heard perhaps the most brillant insight into myspace by this dude paul, and how really it's the people and not the priveledge that lead to psychosees. I need to be active, idle hands are the devil's play things. Distant and odd phone conversations with Nicole, another stone left unturned. just when I think she says something charming and endearing, she'll back it up with advice on how to hit on other women. I need to stop being so hopeful, shit, i'm even fooled into thinking she'll fly out. this weekend was b.a. as i was anything but a useless piece, for example, clean car, swam tanned and finished my book at the pool, played a laughable game of pick-up basketball and called some old friends. Mike's conversation as always, had the most depth and kept me thinking even after i hung up the phone, i'm bummed he dropped the subtle hint to not call this sunday, but i guess I have been calling rather often, let 'm breath Bonelove. Tonight should be cool, I'm driving solo to Atlanta to scope a blues concert (actually just a guy opening up for Bonnie Rait named keb Mo - just fucking phenomenal) and to pick up some new discs, in no order, Nelly Furtado's latest, new Underoath, Acacia Strain and maybe an old Nickel Creek disc if i don't lose money at the show. If i wasn't an addict enough I bought some discs online that we're cool- here's the rundown: a very awesome Christian emocore band Everafter (lots of pianos and choruses), a classic fave named Long Winter (they've done the best form of dual singing-screaming type hardcore, even better than Waterdown) and lastly some solid metal in an indie release by Age of Ruin (great time signatures and viscious breakdowns). I don't imagine my readers will even look up these bands but I would be more than honored and flattered if you did. i mean hell you're stil reading my blog, you really must have nothing better to do. just kidding. Today will be busy, god bless.

I am addicted to pain. I sleep in long days and continually depressed and starting to spread it like a disease to my closest friends so naturally, i feel shame for that as well. There seems to be no hope, I traded my life for my career and I've never needed money or anything, just a hug and a smile. I do it every morning. Yes it's tacky but it's real. I check her blog on myspace, my secret peephole into the life that used to belong to me. Same time every morning at 10 something new breaks my heart. To recap today i learned that he 'sleeps over.' Previously i found out that he, doesn't get mad when he gets a bad beat in poker, says the little things, makes her laugh, is fun and etc. My soul quivers. I'm so broken and lost. Originally, everyone told me to go get laid, now people are just trying to get me to come out of my prison, which is my job and my apartment. I see no one new, meet nobody and am utterly and completely pathetic and listless. My only social endeavor are concerts where I don't connect with anyone because I go by myself, if anything I'm just the odd creepy old guy going by himself and then leaving in self-pity alone after a decent show. I should be happy that she's getting fucked up continually (drunk high other), being irresponsible and starting to get controlling, or be happy that she doesn't have a choke hold on my life, but instead I miss her like an abused spouse or victim longs for the abuser, or an addict longs for heroin. It makes no sense but it's all i live for, to feel aweful. On a light note it's great creative inspiration but does nothing to repair the tears in my soul. I have nothing to offer anyone and in my current state I'm so unappealing to be around. (insert half hour phone conversation w/Nicole here) And now I feel a little better. But it doesn't change my habitual self-abuse, or the fact that my hope for Nicole is but a pipe dream. So in a very very vain effort to think of something, anything else, here are other women that i never thought i would get over but did in somewhat chronological order:

(yes this is a scene out of High fidelity)

-Kristi Spaller- It is so rare to find a girl that is a brunette with blue eyes and when you do it is breathtaking. By 2nd grade I knew it was a crush, I think i said all of 4 or 5 words to her but i circled hearts around her pictures in yearbooks and dreamed endlessly, the only thing I can do well. I wasn't really burned by this but i am left with regret that i didn't try and hold her hand or give ger a smooch on the cheek

-Amanda Hart - shared middle school gym class with her, she had a smile to make you melt and was for the most part a sweet person too, this was but a crush but sometimes when you're a dork in high school those things feel just the same

-Brooke fallert- had acting class with her and used to kick at her house after school. She had the best legs ever, was short sweet and exuded sexuality. She was so great I hadn't a prayer. She started dating a friend, and then became an anoerxic wierd drama kid our senior year, that helped the healing process.

-Sarah Turner- why i have no idea but i took automotive class and she was so rad. I chose to be blind about all of the drugs she took and just saw her artistic soul and incredible legs and was again crushed. She never wanted a friendship let alone something else, this is where feeling of inadequecy and self-defeatism started to harbor

-(god i forget her name) - she sat in front of me in psych class, loved cool music and had one of the best smiles ever. Not really hot but definately blue jean good looking. She went with me and her gal pals to a Ani Difranco concert (which was supposed to be a date) and never heard from her afterwards

-Catherine- what a story. This was the first girl that gave me sincere attention and I felt important by being around her. She developed a reputation as being slutty (which she wasn't) but she was a flirt (or tease). Our story is so odd, I romanticized her into a destroyed friendship and then later she would miss me. We reunited so many times, Target, Fort Collins, trips back from California. I always supported her and liked her, even the days i knew it was hopeless. Talking about having sex with inner demons, she was completely trashed one night and I think I would have gotten my dream after driving her home from pool with Chris, but it would have been hollow and evil to use a person like that. Still i play what if. She shattered me in high school and I foolishly compared many to her.

-the little white haired girl- this one stung, probably the longest to date break-up pain ever. I would qualify her as the only girl I sincerely ever loved (by my rigid definitions of love), her soul and who she was were stuningly beautiful, I know she's someone different today, she hated the crowd and immaturity. I dwelled and compared everyone to her for about 4 years, giving her the benefit of 'songs', fantasies and dreams, you don't meet many people like this

-Kimberely Stratton- Justin's cousin and a girl i used to go to the clubs with regularly. She could dance like no one i've ever seen and had a great rack. In fact i rarely danced with her on the floor, but it was the toe-nail painting, the cd-burning and the couch cuddling that i remember. That felt real, but there were no promises or i love you's but it felt real. about 2 and half years since Andrea this felt like something for the first time in forever

-Angie- this one was ridiculous. I had been alone missing the little white haired girl for a long time and she worked wit me at Target. This girl was dumb, not very good looking and she was a case of all i had. I ended up pearl harboring her ass with a kiss in a poolhall one night and that was that mattress man. I found out later that she had joked using my love letters to her as sexual harrasment to get me fired since i was her boss, that one stings. But i longed for her for a long time. I got fired the day after I foolishly tried to bring her flowers and it all clicked in my head, how hopeless I and my romance was.

-Kristin- to date my type to a T. Short brunette curves and incredible legs. What a smile anyways getting distracted but i made her into something she wasn't idolized her and what have given her my liver and someone else's to be with her for a second. I remember pool games, jokes, watching lighting storms, late nite conversations and the infamous morning I'll never forget. She was with me for lonliness but i don't care I was nuts over this chick. I didn't really miss her because things never truly ended just faded, but she's worth mentioning

- Molly - this girl was beyond cool, hip, and good looking to boot. I wanted to be around her not just in her pants, but I still wasn't on a level playing field, i was too lame. I idolized her and made her much better than she was, and she could tell that when i stared a little too long or laughed too long, she gave me the effectual cold shoulder and i can't tell you how many coffee 'dates' that feel through.

-Allison- she wasn't that good looking, smart but egotistical, even a little bit superficial but it felt good not to be alone. I pushed her to sex and she thought so less of me, i have never felt so ashamed and had so much hatred for myself. In reality it was because she was devoting herself to another but that one stung. Took a solid 6 months to recover

- Monica - the sexiest girl in my history, her personality destroyed her attractiveness though, lterally crazy and put guys through the ringers. i told her so many lies and she offered the same. Still it hurt because of the pedastal i put her on, she was my trophy girlfriend and I was so proud to score. It's hard to say that she cheated on me, but i decided to give her my heart and it was thrown away like trash. I was moping for quite a while but made it out after the summer. It really bonded me and Kelly the strongest.

-Brooke - all right all right I'll admit it. She was freakin' married, but i was falling and couldn't help it. She was so much fun to be around, always laughing and we could be feeding fish or sharing a bean bag and would be smiling to death. my best memory of radio period was the night i drug her to the station and did a 4 in the morning bit. For the record to answer all questions, she never cheated on her husband and physically all i got was a slow kiss on the neck. But it broke my heart because she did make me feel alive, she just stopped calling deadpan, i got the hint pretty clearly. At the time there was this girl named Nicole that i had just met and i had something to help me through.

-Jenn - this brings us to the latest. My moping cycle come full circle. It started as mild flirting, we were both jocks on the college station. I had just found out that Nicole was sharing showers and looking for happiness elsewhere so I decided to take this new girl out and she adored me, to an extent much more than i could match for a long time, till now i guess. Her complexion and smile were amazing, a little thick, but she was cool as hell, dug good music and i made her an addict of poker. We shared so many beautiful moments that those are what i'm hung up on and not all the fights and arguments. She gave me something i had never found somewhere else, a home, for my heart for better or worse, it was the first time it felt like home. I mean i've had girls come and go typically it's a fast exercise but she seemed prepared to settle, and once you get a taste of that drug you're hooked.

So I've been a mess this last weekend. I don't want to be that guy that is helpless and reaches out and needs the reassurance and presence of others to be at ease, but i was weak this weekend, again spent alone. It was brought to my attention that my ex had cheated on me in the waning weeks of our relationship and it was a shot in the gut. Granted, you would think that I would be used to this sort of thing (the rate of girlfriends as cheaters is hovering around 90%) but it still kills me every time. And so in the midst of my soul searching I think I have it, my own problem that is. Complacency, calm content, laziness, and disregard. I've always been a very possessive person, once something belongs to me my attitude about it shifts because I have the naive pressuposition that it ain't going anywhere. You can tell that I never have had that many flowers, or gerberls, or goldfishes for that matter, because they all would be dead by my neglect. Women are a curious beast, you have to reassure them endlessly and convince and prove your affections to an asphyxiating state. I am a fan of no pressure relationships, where strong independent people confide and look forward to your time and affection without being lost without it. Furthermore, besides the fact you can't force or punish someone into love, I seem to be the distant unaffected guy which is completely a myth. I'm so broken, my heart shattered by all of my lost loves which I suppose I can only hold myself accountable. Still I'm in a rough place right now, it's nice to hear familiar comforting voices even if a dodge the most pressing issue at hand. Caught Underworld Evolution on DVD yesterday. It was prestiged by an old coworker when it originally came out toting apparently a graphic sex scene (which there wasn't) and endless violence. The storyline was heavily plot intensive and didn't allow very much for character exploration or development despite frequent flashbacks. But the main nemisis was B.A. and his death was beyond rad at the end. The movie also seems to be enamored with grisely face disfiguring deaths which are gorily wretched and primaly satisfing. But look, it's vampire girl in leather running around killing, with a premise like that you're confined to B movie glory and by gauging it on what it was I give it a solid grade, perhaps even DVD purchase-worthy. Things at work have been insane, just one thing after the other, i seem to have dodged that bullet (or so i think), and now it's just a bizarre waiting game for my next f-up. I know i know just button down and be an exceptional employee but perhaps I know myself too well. Mike it was great to talk to you yet again this last weekend, I hope i'm not smothering you but I do appreciate your insight and time for all of my drama, you are a true friend. And young lady, i was bummed i didn't get to talk to you this weekend, frowny face for you. Today's new music day, on the dockett: a Between the Buried and Me covers album, Shadowsfall's latest, new Acacia Strain as well as new artist Nights Like these and perhaps I'll rediscover an old Nickelcreek album. Guilty admission - I'm looking for the new Nelly Furtado next week - i've always dug her beats and original perspective on a beaten dead genre. I'm headway making plans for my return trip to Denver in late July, so many people to see and only 4 1/2 days to do it. Anyone is welcome to join me for the warped tour July 23rd but I would leave Thursday (20), Saturday night (22) or Monday night (24) for you Nicole but I imagine you'll be working those days. Still it'll be great to be home, I never would have guessed how much i could really miss it, and it's funny to hear people complain how aweful colorful colorado is when I seem to long for it more now that I have something to compare it to. I got poker plans, cabin plans, a festival concert in the sun and too many people to hug, christ i can't wait. best wishes to all

I hate it when I'm alone at social gatherings. That's not to say I don't cherish concerts but it highlights my solitude and also my lameness, I mean, hell if i was so cool how come no one is here with me? But as beaten to death by me, I don't perceive music as the social vehicle driven by so many, instead it is a personal intimate relationship with me, my experiences, and their emotion and music. That being said; obervations: No one wears black. In colorado everybody pledges alledgiance to the concert crowd with band tees, here people wear abercrombie and fitch to hardcore shows. Okay, whatever. No one gives out tickets, you get wristbands, these places are abandoned warehouses I mean hell, forget about promotional companies these places are owned by Joe smellycrotchscratch. Everybody dances, like 16 year old girls who must be 70 pounds soaking wet to 9 year olds and football players. I surprised myself by dancing yesterday on a side note, but I was so stressed out with my career jeopardy and all. Yesterday, with a mic up (full blast like over the song) and talking to a heavily accented listener I mentioned the phrase ,"going down on a cowboy." You can imagine with FCC craziness and me living in the bible belt I was convinced to be canned. Somehow I fell upon a fine line reading that says as long as no one files a formal complaint I'm in the clear. So far so good, i may have dodged a huge bullet. Back to the show, Evergreen Terrace for the second time in a row had equipment and sound problems, which this time was attributed to the venue and not the band equipment. They were turned so loud that the power was blown at about two minutes into every song. That being said, they did a hearfelt scream shout rendition of the Tears for Fears song "Mad World", and closed with the epic Dear Live Journal (thought I should add that) as well as the closer No Donnie, These Men are Nihilist. I need some female affection and fast, I mean the average girl there was clocking at 16, 18 tops, and jail time isn't worth my horniness. On that note, I was telling this brillant girl yesterday that it's funny that this style of music (angry, violent, loud, outspoken, emotional) is a phase for so many and yet here I am, the ostracized lone creepy old (24) guy. Is it because they want attention? They want to piss off their parents and taken seriously? Tired of no credibility and their voice not beind heard so they chose the shock factor? I know the girls are just there because of the guys, few women dig that genre. So we can weed them out, but why does wverybody grow out of it, or rather why didn't I? I love it passionately and see beauty and inspiration in their emotional music, that others consider noise. I'm not angry, I'm not frustrated (anymore than the average disillusioned 20 something). To the point people grow out and toward other music, this is JUST a phase, but not for me. I'm staying right here. Oh well. I was told by my ex that the primary reason things were destined to never work out was my relationship with Adrienne and how I worshipped her. Is it impossible to have a dear friendship with a member of the opposite sex. I think the focus should be shifted more toward trust than my monogomy, but perhaps that's just me. So some nasty chick got her hands on my number this weekend and I have to hide, lucky for me I have a good sized mountian of laundry, two movies, a trip to the grocery store, working out and some late spring cleaning to do. And for the record, fuck georgia highways, I never got as lost in Colorado as I did last night at 2 in the morning in Sandersonville where 90 highways intersect and me with one bar of cell phone reception. Today I couldn't be the more bit relieved, thanks to everyone's overwhelming kindness. I am but a sponge and eager to spit. Kind wishes.

So my boss was visibly concerned and empathetic with my apparent lonliness and poor social tidings in town. His concern surprised me, not to make comments on his personal nature, rather I'm taken aback that I'm broadcasting that message nonverbally. Anyways, so he gives me more remote possibilities. To anyone outside of radio understand that that is how we silly dj's make money, not by our station rather promotional events. Anyways he told me that he's working on two for me in the next two months, one, a hot body competition (female and unfortunately male too) for me to MC and regularly attend on Thursday nights, and two, a kid to kid competition in sports and the like. I've volunteered in elementary schools and I think that would prove fun. No to comment on it, I've made work relationships (which don't really count) and tried to prevent my old friends companions and others from losing memory of the quirky guy they lost when I got sucked into the Georgia black hole. So being snoopy and nosey I found out that my ex was plotting a plane trip to see me only to cancel last minute destined for one of two destinations, I will have no confirmation of either but she must have gone to either Mexico (or some place sunny maybe Cally) or more than likely took a conviently coincidental road trip with some mystery guy to Arizona and Oregon. Why am i fuming? Why does that piss me off? She's not in my life anymore Jason, stop being so damn clingy and just let go. This all feels like a blink sometimes, living here, not having her, not knowing anybody, i question my inner strength that people mistakenly compliment me on. On a closing note I will be in Colorado in July!! Fuck yes, the whole asking for time off crisis is over and not only am i seeing the warped tour twice this summer in respective cities but I will be staying with the folks from Thursday the 20th till Monday the 24th of July. I plan on taking care of business in the Springs (money, poker and old friend) Sunday night into Monday, with the Warped tour taking most of Sunday up, a concert in Denver Friday night (with pool) (if you can come you're invited Nicole) and then prolly being lazy Saturday maybe looking Greg up or chillin with Adrienne that night if no one else raises their hand for my attention and affections. Happy days homies. Mike, I'm renting Kong and the Constant Gardener for this weekends laundry adventures, i'm going to be needing more Mikeflix updates. The weather here has cooled to a chilly 88 degrees with no wined whatsoever, it's funny to see people wearing pullovers and jackets in the mornings when it's like 65! Ha ha. Well I got a concert to check out this week, Evergreen Terrace! on thursday despite the two hour drive to Augusta. And i've told myself that I'm deserve a trip to the beach to scare the ladies with my pastry tan, I think after I see Killwhitneydead in Augusta in july I'll spend the weekend up at Savannah beach and Tybee Island. Despite my broken heart my life goes on, thanks all to your kind words and good tidings, it didn't go unnoticed. God bless

Last year memorial day wsa sooo rad, shared it with this cool chic playing poker with some work buddies and it was my first ever big win in poker, let the record show it was ALL ALL luck, disgusting really I called two all ins with a K-3 off suit and caught on the turn. Still played poker, only this time it was with more strategy and less luck trying to show strength on an average hand I called an all-in with a K-6 pairing a 6 and lost to a two pair flop that turned into a house. Enough about poker though, well almost, I think I'll never be a good poker player because I'm so easy to read, I am a transperancy, I hide nothing, if I'm sad i will mope until i depress even you, if i'm living and loving it you're going tobe laughing it up with me trust me. i suppose it's for that reason that I feel shame and guilt. Y'see yesterday i was in a bitchy sort of mood and the poor kind consolations i call my peers beared the brunt. I suppose i was upset about working on a holiday in a deeply religious and slow laid back city where EVERYTHING shuts down, and then compounded by ex drama. I'm hoping i can move forward. Relationships, especially when they fail, are curious in that dwelling becomes a possibility. For instance, you want to know where you faltered, made mistakes, where you became intolerant, these are all important revelations so one doesn't make them with the next beautiful hope. I can never find any pencils. So my sketches, usually done at work (very nice Jason stay on task) are all done in pen. Ink is a curious medieum typically used for finishing and depth not for piecing and exploratory artwork, but my lazy attitude doesn't afford me to give a shit, so instead, very unlike me, I proceed with my compositions without the aid of editing, erasing or changing anything, very free flowing and cathartic but not without regret. Relationships can be like that, we discover the things we hate and our shit lists become books over times, and we find out what we love and our dreams become so much more vivid and ambituous than middle school hopes of smooching the pigtailed smile in the front of the class the older we get. I just had jerks from work come up with some colorful bald jokes (where's the Christmas tree?) right now, everybody loves hair, why don't people appreciate the bald goodness. On my short list of heros is ed kowalcyk, lead singer of live and he's an attractive guy, right? Screw it, I love it and am sticking with it. My head is shapely dammit. The bible belt just doesn't understand. Well I thoroughly pissed off my main man Fish (insulting the steak sauceless well cooked ribeye in favor of the spicy guacomole) and his wife (bad beats) and the third party (Aaron- the chief engineer who's two years wounger than me making thrice what I am by calling into question a marriage with someone you can't have vaginal intercourse with). I seemed to be a leach off of everybody. So apologies to all who beared the brunt. A brillant woman once told me that if you couldn't burden them with the weight of your problems what would friends be for? That might sound bad, but truth be told if you care you'll put yourself out on the line to preserve the sanity and happiness of the people that count. That's all for now. It's a full week, making the monthly comp tonight, two station events the following days and hopes of washing the car before the weekend, more to come, stay tuned.......

So I'm bald. Whatever. People who have known me for a year oo more know that I do ridiculous things to my head quite often from colors to length. And I know you shouldn't gear yourself toward pleasing or appeasing others approval but nontheless I'm bummed. Not a kind word has been uttered, everybody either stares in a stunned disappointment (the subtle route) or busts out laughing. For the record, I think I look great as a skinhead or later peach fuzz. My domepiece is quite proportional and it emphasis the trait of my face I happen to like the most, my eyebrows. Enough for vanity. Let it be said that when it comes to phone conversations I like casual goodbyes. I remember in high school, aside from being an astronomically huge dork, I had this overpowering crush on this band geek Catherine and would talk to her on the phone for hours. It would culminate to the goodbye portion where you it would take 15 phrases to get to Goodnight. Nowadays for the most part it's painless and swift but the long ones kill me, just say goodnight, there's nothing disrespectful about it, in fact if anything, goodeyes are a silly formality, we're departing each other's company but there is no disrespect or slight intended, we need to attend to priorities, Christ repspect it each other people! To slightly continue my rant, I also hate people that immediately write people off. My biggest weakness is prolly Jewish people or Mexicans maybe, but I'm hurt when other people do it. I know i know what a hypocrite, but I approach it as I'll hold onto my stereotypes patientily awaiting the soul there to break it. That being said I don't initially treat people different, you have the opportunity in the opening acts to make statements on who you are and what you stand for. How you present yourself I take after that. And there's nothing wrong with discriminating stereotypes, hell, that's how one develops prefrences for the qualities we like and don't, and the nature of those we love and have to surround ourselves round. This sort of discrimination is done by everyone, in or outside of their own awareness of it. Yah, so that's it. I'm done with record stores here, they all suck. I know people that rant off and bitch absolutions like this, but seriously the haven i've dreamt of exists not here in Georgia. Even Omaha was seriously and considerably better, i remember Homer's Mike, still got the receipt. Twisit and Shout is my baby and i'm partial to Wax Trax and Cheapo. All i have here is Best buy, which is true to the name for prices but lacking for selection. On a lasting note, the show I caught on Wednesday. Location was shady but most venues are, in what used to be the ancient city hall in Atlanta, an urban neighborhood. Still I was refreshed to see that it was next to Little 5 points, one of the few places in Hotlanta i'm familiar with and like, so i was able to grab some food at the local Mexican Grill close by. I'm too old for this. The show was full of high schoolers, but i can't help loving the music and the message. The sleeping put on a servicable show, I was impressed that heavy set lead singer could hit the notes and still scream a respectable hardcorish chant. The guitar effects were great and I dug that guy since Skycamefalling. The interior of the venue was V-shaped, massive and in the basement of this huge abandoned factory looking for dungeon-esque dark lots of brick and ventilation hanging low. The stage sat at the lowest point so with the exception of right up front so the vertically challenged could appreciate. Bars and merch were along the sides and back. I'm bummd they didn't give me a ticket stub as I collect those but the show was good and a nice break. The worst part wasn't finding it but standing in the 90 degree sun for the hour outside, that back ofthe neck sunburn thing wasn't cool. And that's it for today, my head is chilly as the A.c. blows over it, but Dammit I still think it looks good, plus I didn't tear into my head like i've done before shaving the puppy. I'm doing laundry tonight at my pal Fish's place followed perhaps by X-3 but I should watch it with the cash roll. We'll see. Thanks for the read

Yesterday was allright. Spoiled away the afternoon as usual and put in a great flick; Road to Perdition. I just love the cinametogrophy, and it's heartfelt without being contrived or pretentious. Yes it's a revenge and betrayal flick but it's done with class and character, with family and decency thrown in the mix. I identify with Michael's relationship with his father, it's very reminscent of my own, my dad never read the pop handbook and struggled with it as that family does. I waited for a phone call from her last night. She never said she would call but I had this funny hope, I feel asleep though. The most recent deep conversation lingers with employees. i used to work with this guy named Dean. A great guy and one of the 10 or so biggest influences on my life, i know i know Mike you can laugh at this. But still. here's a clever not brilliant but smart man of 30, decent job not great, and a solid wife nothing spectacular. But he maintained a commitment and level of honesty to everything. His approach to life was the same. He wasn't afraid of subjects or controversial things, I was 17/18 at the time and we would have hour to two hour long conversations in the parking lot after the store closed. To the point, one day we were talking about marriage and being faithful. He says to me that he loves his wife passionately and is devoted to her, but honestly he couldn't deny that if the perfect girl came along he would have to at least try. Cheating was the topic for yesterday. Men are dogs. But are we? Perhaps we are just animals with large moral and brain capacities, should we talk ourselves out of our genetic predispositions? i used the example of history. Historically, people didn't cheat back in the day because no one traveled and places were less crowded. I mean shit, in the old west your old lady might be the only chica you see for years. Now were bombarded by attractive available singles every day. i DON't think our society is morally incoragable for not pulling off marriages. I have the utmost respect for Dean's honesty. We should stay true to ourselves first, Who's to say you don't meet your soulmate after you marry your best friend? To contradict all of this, I pray to marry once and never look back. But women don't have this honest open outlook it seems to me. For some bizarre reason I respect sexually liberated women, as long as I'm not exclusively seeing them that is. Some of the strongest women I've met, we're very experimental in their lives but not recklessly, rather searching for fun and release. When they had to button down, they turned out to be some of the most brillant females I've ever met. The first that come to mind, Adrienne, Meghan, Nicole. I'm starting to slowly realize that maybe I don't respect women enough. Feminine life goals are so much different than my own and most guys for that matter. When women dream of success they think relationships, family as roads to happiness, guys often are more career oriented. For the longest time I thought that being a dad was the pinnacle to it all, then as the most sexually active I became I started being terrified of patronage, but that was more fear of financial burden. I still hope for some runts and a hot plate on a table, guarenteed sex turning into a chore, family vacations, dog vaccinations, Thanksgivings and family reunions but those seem so far away. I don't want to be selfish being here and focusing solely on me, but I'm secretly proud and assured of it. this is what's best for me period. However i might question my goals and career as happiness, a paycheck and good concerts are my only prerequisites. To close the story, the girls rolled their eyes, sighed deeply and seemed annoyed with my perspective yesterday. We may indeed be from different planets but things make sense here in Mars, come visit girls.

Drama, the soap opera of our lives. Love, lies, and sympathy. Is day time television based on real life, or did our lives emulate the emotional hystrionics of these simulated fake shows? My poor buddy Fish is going through marital strife. He prolly wn't close on his house because of poor credit shared with his nagging pregnant wife. There aren't easy solutions there. One coworker appears interested and another doesn't although I am, and I've taken notice of singles growingly everywhere. Not to mention phone conversations with the past. It's like I'm in high school again. The phone gets warm and the conversation drifts everywhere from how many kids do you want, to what's your favorite graham cracker? Jesus, that sounds pathetic and perhaps it is, I'm just affection starved. And for once, the greatest irony of them all, I finally have all the time to give and no tangible person to give them to, just automated voices from a tiny wireless contraption. It bothers me not, but I can tell that my lonliness may perhaps be too demanding for others out there so I'm attempting to curb it. Plans fell through for the weekend with the stoner, which I'm downright excited for because I was dreading pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm not in high school anymore and much like Sgier himself have lost the acquired taste for excess. Getting stupid and drunk makes sense when you're attempting to lose touch with honesty, pain, emotions, but my path is typically through those drudges not around them. I always used to walk in the mud for my bearhunts. My rediscovery of comic books is another signal to my return to immaturity, it's great, artistically inspirational and storywise intruiging. Combine that with lots of masturbation and all i need is an allowance and a curfew to go along witholder roomates and shit I'm 16 again. On a serious note, I've offered a roof to Fish if his wife kicks him out, which could become a sad though ironic turn to that story. Thanks for the read, and shit post something will ya!! I'm at work and have nothing to do, jeez!

This weekend has done well to keep my mind of the pressing issue at hand. Overate and drank a little to a fairly good vomiting session late Saturday night (on a quirky note I haven't upchucked since i was yes 10 little years old), had couch drama where this lady tried to sell me what she called new I called shit and karma caught up with us as our car got stranded at this bitch's house, saw Art School Confidential, ate at some great resturants, lived it up with Fish and even heard from a long distance long unforgotten hottie. First the movie, cause I figure you're reading mike, I'll review it as brillant because as most independent movies go, it's an acuired taste, and furthermore you would love this flick for the generalizations and personifications of art culture that are soo true, at least to me. The love story is useless and shit, but when sticking to art school and art kids I find it hilarious, even though the flick does leave loose ends which bothers me. I'm getting better with my breakup, I was burned early yesterday morning by a message she left for that read free at last, but yesterday's social activities along with a call from Nicole alleviated most of that. Socially, i didn't get paid for but was mandated to show up at Capitol Theater this really old opera house in downtown Macon, for my station's public viewing of the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. The turnout was great, along with my usual head turns and there were surprisingly short number of homeless riffraff. My promotions team left me to cohabitate with my evil boss but it turned out all right because he was in some chipper mood, prolly because he was assuredly getting laid that night from one of the tall local lawyer coeds at nerby Mercer University. She folowed him home. I am making honest and fulfilling friendships with my coworkers which helps me through. Fish is my best man dammit, the news director at the station, he's the coolest jaded cynical and loves poker and football, sign me up. He's trying to desperately hook me up with one of the interns here and I politely declined but I don't know how much longer i can hold out. I'm horny to an unhealthy degree. Now the subject of Nicole. It was funny because she text-messaged me and I had deleted her earlier because I didn't want to dwell in futile hope that she would have any reason to keep me as a memory in her grand life. But alas she did. I called her, which I believe she was unprepared for even though she did answer. Christ is great to hear her voice. And yes while I would nail her brains out in my current state, I'm not cheapning how great it was to hear a compassionate friendly voice. I still toil and wish that things were different for us, I really liked that girl, even though I had disapproval from almost all of my friends. There was this connection that you see in my beloved independent movies, I could hear her heart I guess you could say. i took things too slow but I didn't want her to mistake my intentions for anything but genuine compassion. With the literal phone conversation, You could for once hear that she cared and wished for the best. She claims she's going to fly out here and if you're reading Nikki baby, I'm calling your bluff and I fucking dare you. we would tear the town down and she would need an IV in her after the no sleep she would be getting. Insert personal opinion here. I must sound bestial and primal, nothing respectful at all, but let it be said that for all this turmoil and heartache does well for creative inspiration and I'm writing and playing often when I'm not distracted by stupid video games or poker on the Deuce. Hope is not yet here in my heart but I'm finally making room.

I'm sick. Could be because of the stomach turning tex mex from late Wednesday night, but more than likely it's the combined stress-anguish of work bullshit and the Misses. She doesn't know abouth this private place (which really is just you and me Mike) so this is an allrant zone, here comes the bitching? I wanted and prayed for this so why do I ache? How is she so immacutaly clean and guilt free, she fucked with ME! She admitted that every I love you in the last 6 months was a lie. I'm so frustrated beacuse her prospects are so promising, she goes home (to our old home) now partyhouse and drinks whatever, smokes like a chimney and sleeps with all of the above. God how happiness is indeed the best revenge and I'm miserable. I feel a solitary tide ensuing where I'll be with hardly anyone. I've read and reread old love letters, jesus look at me, I'm dwelling. I don't need a rebound or a good lay, I just need time and maybe a good friend or two. I feel betrayed and left out in the cold. I find myself questioning the sincerity of even the people I know to trust. My how this heart strains. The worst end of it was the time and money wasted, invested in something ingenuine, all the times i blew friends of for this stupid bitch. I threw away my porn for her, ha ha, but that still sucks. She has an Audioslave T-shirt I fucking love, my bank account number, Mik-ee's mural of the bar and bacchas, my cell phone charger and surely other things that I can't remember. If my prayers are answered I'll never see her again, at the expense of those things that I love. This counts for many records: longest relationship, most things lost, 1st female roommate among others. My the lessons I've learned, i how summer will relinquish and dismiss this cless because it hurts more than helps. I never lie awake in the middle of the night consumed in thought, I've always been too exhausted for that, and now with all of my extra time and sleepy hours, I'm faced with this. Help!
in less soap opera news here's the current shit: buying a virtually brand new micro suede (i don't know what that mean either) couch over the weekend for 250 clams. And then my story with the laundromat. never been to one before only seen them like their imaginary in sitcoms, but with my current living situation I have to frequent one, and there great! You can do like twenty loads all at once, and besides efficient it's for the most part affordable and you can catch up on reading. Funny how the things you worry over can be so trivial, i wish girls were like that

It looks as though things have culminated into something substantial. My girlfriend (ex I suppose) Jenn has drove me to the end, here's where I get off. I know I know you've heard this many times before... But with me being 1600 miles away this finally is doable, in a perverted way that was a strong pulling/selling point for Macon and my move to Georgia. The last 6 months I have seen the most sincere form of insecurity and controlling selfishness ever in a girl. She was possessive despite the fact that I don't doubt that she cared. The main complicating factor is that I agreed to help her pay rent on the place we live at for the next 6 months, since I bailed on the rent. I'm still going to pay monthly but I'm concerned because she knows my bank account number. Yes, just like Fatal Attraction. But in retrospect, let's rewind and give a eulogy to a dying and/or already comotose relationship. I was attracted at first because of her great music taste, I thought she was a skater chick with an awesome free mind. Her body was fair enough, but her great complexion and killer smile sealed the deal. At first we fumbled like a confused shy couple. She was sweet and we made efforts to get to know each other. Sex with her was the best, granted my small track record but she took me to great places. Towards the end, I couldn't and wasn't allowed to make decisions for myself. She destroyed things, invaded my privacy and questioned me continually and my commitment, which does nothing to strengthen the bond any ladies reading. Any one close to me knew that my heart wasn't in it, I was obliged like I had knocked her up or something, well screw that, I'll stick to solitude and masturbation considering the consequences. While I doubt this is the last page of this story, I'm dedicating myself to bittnerness after last night. i discovered that her roommate is cheating with the guy she has been longbest friends with (for some reason I can't help but predict threeway) and now her ex is working at the station I used to. Those threats combined with her enormous money financing problems and personal disgust between us has killed the struggling patient. I deleted her from my phone, from Myspace (oooo I know) and also from my mind. I know what'll happen. I'll be single for a LONG time, school was how I met Jen and without a convienent mutuality I doubt that'll date someone from work (well there's one, but she's outta my league). So hello lonliness, i think ima gunna di-eye. I'm melodramatic, really I'm fine this is not a cry for help and actually it's relieving to for once be honest to myself and emotions. She tore at the fabric of some of my most sincere friendships and complicated my time and mental health. Goodbye Yennifer, the memories are all that's beautiful any more.

This job toils me. I screwed up majorly today. My boss seemed to catch the little ones but has remained silent on the major one. With a mic that I forgot was up, I think i uttered an obscenity when a commercial double-fired by accident. For the life of me i can't remember what I said, but if was anything but the f bomb I should be chastized with the big F being a big pink slip. I told and reminded my boss and he's been silent about it, so now it's just a waiting game. My big remote for today was cancelled which is just fine. I feel like dog shit and it's going to rain anyways. Adrienne asked me if i do anything like explore new places, find new things. My immediate answer was no. Solitude is thrilling for the moment but then silent despair gripped me thinking that maybe my comfort will resound into an absolute ennui of doing nothing and being like an 80 year trapped in a retirement home only that I'm midtwenty sexually should be active dude. I've found great things to do in Atlant and Augusta my two refuges. Atlanta has this place called Criminal records which should take the place of Independent/ Twist and Shout/Wax Trax in Denver hopefully where I can order my out of print and hard to find independent music. And now I'm in the know with the two hottest venues in both cities - Masquerade in Atlanta and Sector 7g in Augusta. So now I'll be in the know. Live is the weekend and I'm excited, haven't seen that band since October of 2001 right before I got fired from Target. At the time I was adjusting to just moving out of my folks house and going to a bigger university in CU. I had dreams of writing a 'divine' script with a talented young playwrite and held aspirations of an artist. I was a virgin, virtually friendless and pool was my only escape. I wish I could say that I've grown and I'm so much better so much different but I'm still... confused, frightened, unsure of myself, self-critical,pool-loving, lonely. Oh wait, now I have cable. That's right. Got it Wednesday bless me boy. Things are bitter and gloomy here, stressful without release. I pray for the winddown, where it's finally comfortable. My boss preaches writing out what I'm going to say which is just absurd. This has to be natural, flowing, how am i ever to prepare for my own future. You've heard enough bitching for today. I got a great concert this weekend that will wash all of this strife back to the ocean. blessed be the skies holding rain, I need a renewed dew, Fuck you sprite. God Bless Free Comics day! I wish I knew of a place SGIER but alas I don't. And here i stay